Song Review - Torture by The Jacksons

You know what the best part of The Jacksons was? Michael, obviously. You know they continued on without him after he made it on his own, right? No, you didn't know that? Of course not. Because you do better things with your time than listen to shitty music by middling talents such as Tito and Jermaine... I don't know any other Jackson Brothers. The only reason most of us remember Tito is because of that scene in Rush Hour where Chris Tucker tells Jackie Chan "I'm Michael Jackson, you Tito."

The joke is that Tito is irrelevant. Jermaine had a few awful hit songs in the early eighties that people vaguely remember. But the only reason he had those hits is because he came out of the same vagina as the biggest star in the world. Also, he's the greasiest person on the planet. He looks like he's always wet. He's also a punchline for being irrelevant.

But this song was a hit. You know why? Michael sings on it. That's the same reason Rockwell had fifteen minutes of fame. That, and being Berry Gordy's kid. (See LMFAO for more of this nepotism in action with untalented musicians in the Gordy family.)

But here's the kicker. The part that I really don't get. This song is pretty good. It's catchy, it has a great chorus, and Tito has some pretty solid guitar work here. As far as R&B guitarists go, he's not Steve Cropper or Ernie Isley by any stretch of the imagination, but he's a pretty good guitarist in his own right. Jermaine and... the other two... were both mediocre singers, let's not try to paint them as anything more. But Tito was a fine guitarist. I don't know if he's the only guitarist here, and I'm not 100% that it's him playing the guitar here, but I know Tito's a bit of a bigger guy and the guitarist here is... let's be honest here, he's fat. So I'm assuming that it's Tito. If it's another Jackson brother, then I apologize for making that mistake and comparing them to Tito.

The video itself is stupid and cheesy (oh god, is it ever those two things), but it's grown on me. I like this kind of nonsense in my eighties videos. My favorite part is in the end, where you see the Jackson brothers standing with Michael. Except it's not Michael. It's a wax scuplture of Michael. I don't know if that's hilarious, or depressing that he couldn't make time for his own family.

Also, breakdancing skeletons and a really crappy spider suit. That's pretty awesome.