Song Review - Fantasy by Aldo Nova

Everything that is awesome about generic eighties rock is on this album.

If someone asked me to defend shitty eighties rock, specifically the early eighties kind of garbage rock, I'd have one name for them... Aldo Nova. Not the artist, because nobody cares about him. I'm referring to his 1982 self titled debut album, which was everything horribly awesome about commercial eighties rock. Specifically the album's first track, the big hit from the album (and really, Aldo Nova's entire recording career) - Fantasy.

Note - the song itself starts about 1:30 into the video. Before that, it's just complete nonsense

I know that Fantasy is about as far from an actual defense of this kind of stuff as you can get - if you hate early eighties commercial rock music, you will despise this song. But if you like it, then you probably can't bring yourself to not love this song.

Puke green Dodge St. Regis - the official car of Sledge Hammer.

This is the kind of song that would be played in an low budget hard-R eighties cop movie as the hard boiled cop on the edge cruises the Sunset Strip in a lime green Dodge St. Regis to pick up a hooker and some coke.

So, part of the reason I like this song is because it reminds me of a type of movie I like, even if it was never used in one of those movies. But I also like it because it's a defining song of this type of music and it exemplifies everything I love about it. It's a cheesy song with just as much synthesizer as guitar, the lyrics are generic 'life on the streets' fare written by a French Canadian rock musician who would later go on to do session work for Michael Bolton and Celine Dion - yeah, man, Aldo Nova's from the streets. Come on, he's like the Canadian version of Tommy Shaw from Styx. That's not a compliment.

Nobody ever accused this kind of music of being sincere or intelligent. If they did, they're either kidding or they're stupid.

The part of this video that people remember is the opening. Some dorky looking guy in a bowtie is standing around holding a guitar with some guys holding guns standing around him in what is probably meant to look like a shipping yard at night, but is more than likely a warehouse indoors, because every eighties music video was shot inside of a warehouse. Then, they lower a cheap helicopter prop from the ceiling. And then, this steps out of the chopper.

Nice pajamas, dork.

The guy in the bowtie is no longer the dorkiest guy there, because while bowties are dorky, they're not nearly as dorky as tight leopard print pajamas. They go over to a door, Aldo Nova shoots it with his guitar lazer and they go inside so Aldo Nova can lip synch his song to a group of central casting hires in a warehouse made to look like a night club.


To my original point about this being a defense of this kind of music. It only is if you like the stuff. If you're like me, then this was awesome. If you're not, then you think I'm a moron. And you're probably right.

But at least I'm not wearing leopard print pajamas.

Song Reviews - Edge of a Broken Heart by Vixen

Warning - I'm about to admit to liking something that I should probably hate.

Long before I even attempted this blog, I was making fun of bad music videos and bad music, and one of my favorite punching bags was the mid-eighties all-girl pop/metal band, Vixen. It's sort of hard to see why, considering that nobody remembers them, but I can explain it, I think.

I recently got to thinking about why I chose to make fun of this briefly moderately successful and largely forgotten band. Is it because they’re all women? Absolutely not. I happen to like The Runaways and Girlschool, and they were both all-girl rock bands. Is it because they were a pop band? Hardly. I’m a huge fan of power pop, and this isn’t far off from mid and late eighties power pop bands like Enuff Z’Nuff and the latter day Cheap Trick, both bands that I like.

Is it because Edge of a Broken Heart sucks? No, actually. I’ve recently been able to admit to myself that I kind of like this song, to my eternal shame. It’s a guilty pleasure. And that's the reason - I couldn't admit to myself that I actually liked this, so I listened to it and made mean jokes about it.

I can also admit that these girls aren’t bad musicians. The singer has a good voice and if she let herself go a little more, she’d be very enjoyable to listen to. The instrumentalists aren’t bad, either. They aren’t extraordinary, at least as far as I can hear, but they’re a tight, professional unit. I love the guitar riff and the guitar solo here is quite good, and the bassline is noticeable, which is a plus – there aren’t enough good bass parts in rock music, and I always appreciate being able to say anything about the way a bass is played in a song.

The only problem I have with Vixen is that they’re bland. There’s no personality to this. I’m wondering if their handlers at the record label had them tone it down so as not to threaten their potential, largely male audience. It’s a possibility, and it’s unfortunate. Apparently, they were veterans on the Sunset Strip club scene for a long time before they got a record deal.

Admittedly, there’s also the possibility that they would have just been another lame hair metal band if given the chance to do what they wanted to. In fact, it’s probably pretty likely. But it’s a shame that they weren’t given the same chances as their male counterparts to make crappy music. At the very least, they would have stood out amongst the crowd of mediocrity. That’s not necessarily a good thing, but it’s something, I guess.

And yes, I know that this song was co-written by Richard Marx. I can't stand that guy. The other writer? Fee Waybill from The Tubes. If you know anything about The Tubes, that's kind of shocking and not surprising at all both at once. Do yourself a favor and click that link. That's The Tubes. You're welcome.

Music Video Review - You're a Friend of Mine by Clarence Clemmons and Jackson Browne

Mick Jagger and David Bowie's horrific cover version of Dancing in the Street by Martha and the Vandellas gets a lot of flak for supposedly being one of the worst songs of the 1980's with one of the most uncomfortably homoerotic music videos ever. Don't take my word for it - click that link and see for yourself. That probably won't be the last you'll see of that video on this blog - I almost have to take a shot at it at some point.

Oh God, where's the Mars Bar? I apologize if you got that joke.

It is a horrible video for an equally horrible song, but the weird sexual chemistry between Bowie and Jagger at least has the potential to make the video amusing, I guess. But there's another eighties duet that's much, much worse. Clarence Clemmons and Jackson Browne's You're a Friend of Mine.

Now, I love Clarence Clemmons. He was just a big, goofy guy with a saxophone and he seemed like one of the most genuinely nice guys in music. He was also one hell of a sax player. But there's a reason that he isn't known as a singer. It's because he's not good at it.  I'm a fan of Jackson Browne as well. Running on Empty is one of my favorite albums ever and The Pretender is one of my favorite songs. He also produced another one of my favorite albums, Warren Zevon's self titled 1976 release. I have to clarify all this because I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SONG.

The video concerns Clarence Clemmons in an ugly blue shirt failing to dance. Understandable, I guess. I know that he's a sax player and a black guy, so going by stereotypes surrounding sax playing African American men, he should be able to dance. But he was like, 6'6", so I can understand how he wouldn't be the most graceful guy. But it's still funny seeing him try to dance in most cases. This is not one of them.

There's also Jackson Browne going around the apartment they're in playing his guitar and singing directly The Big Man's face. That's awkward. Then there's the Dave Coulier looking guy on piano and the Al Jurreau looking guy on drums. To the Dave Coulier lookalike's credit, he doesn't look like he's having much fun.

The part that I think is the closest to being amusing is Darryl Hannah who was apparently an item with Jackson Browne at the time or something. She's painting them at first and later videotaping them. Because apparently they wanted this to be recorded for people to see. Why would they think that? Because in the eighties, people did a lot of cocaine, and if Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories taught me anything, it's that...

 

Things to listen for - towards the end, Jackson Browne's voice cracks. They didn't go back to re-record that line, because... why would they? It's Jackson Browne and he had better things to do in the eighties, like trying to convince people that Lawyers in Love wasn't a horrible album.

Overall, this song is probably the worst thing either of these guys ever did. But you want to know something depressing? Look up Clarence Clemmons's name on Google.

With everything this guy ever did with Springsteen and the E-Street Band, this is what people care most about.

Video Game Review - Battle Hunter (Playstation)

  

Genre: Turn Based Strategy/Board Game

Release: 2001 

Developer: Success

Publisher: Agetec Inc.

Battle Hunter was marketed as an RPG, but it’s really not. It utilizes stats for the characters, but that’s really the only RPG element it has. It’s more similar to a board game. Your character has statistics for a handful of abilities – attack, defense, movement and HP, and the battles in the game are decided by cards and dice rolls.

The game puts you and three other characters (either controlled by the AI or other players) on a randomized board and tasks you to find a specific item in a random crate and then make your way to the exit. If another player gets the item, you have to stop them and take it from them before they can escape with it. There are AI monsters in the game as well, and they can be annoying, but the goal isn’t to fight them. They’re just obstacles.

The one thing that truly stands out in this game is the soundtrack. It’s very good, particularly the track Eyes in Minds (lThat's a link to the song on Youtube - give it a listen.). The character designs are quite good as well. They pack a lot of personality into each of the designs. So, hats off to the art and music teams for the game.

So, is Battle Hunter a great game? No. But it’s a good game, especially for the price you’ll pay for it. I got my copy for $10 at a used game store. You can probably get yours for about the same give or take a few bucks on eBay. It’s a bargain bin game, so don’t expect it to rock your world because it won’t. But it will likely entertain you for a little while. You’ll probably play it briefly every once in a while as well. And that’s worth $10, I think.

Score: 7/10 – Good

In conclusion, here's a picture of one of the game's characters. He looks like Michael Ironside raided Bruce Campbell's Burn Notice wardrobe.

Much like Chuck Finley, Sam Fisher is forever.

Blog update - expanding the blog to other subjects

When I was starting this blog, I wanted to write reviews for not just music, but movies, video games, anime and possibly even comic books, and occasionally articles about popular culture as a whole. I think I'm going to branch out a bit now. I've gotten comfortable with these music video showcases and I enjoy writing them, and besides, they're very quick and easy to do. It honestly takes me about fifteen minutes to an hour at the very most, not counting the time it takes to watch the video.

But I never intended to only do that or for that to even be the focus of it. It's just that those music video reviews were my way of testing the waters, seeing if I enjoy blogging. I want to do some reviews of video games and movies. Something that requires more effort on my part.

I'll still do these music video showcases. As I said, they're quick and easy and I enjoy writing them. But I want to do more. And I will do more.

I actually hope to do some reviews in a video format at some point, but that takes a lot of time and effort to write it, shoot it, edit it and post it, so for now, it'll be text reviews on a blog. Hopefully I'll do something like that over summer vacation. But I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, expect more from this blog soon. I'll probably be changing the name from On the Records to something else due to the change in subject matter. I haven't decided what to call it yet.

But, whatever. Expect more from the blog soon, because there will be more to come. Thanks for reading!

Entry #6 - Black Betty by Ram Jam

Today, we're stepping outside of the 1980's - 1977 to be exact - to a video that became internet legend three decades after it's release, and for good reason. This is the most glorious depiction of redneck stereotypes this side of a monster truck show.

The song is Black Betty by Ram Jam.

Just a bit of history about these guys before we dive in.There's a good chance you don't care about any of this, and if you don't, just skip the next two paragraphs. It's just background info for people as obsessive about music as I am.

The band was put together by Jeff Katz and Jerry Kasenetz, a pair of bubblegum pop producers from the sixties around guitarist Bill Barlett, who was the guitarist for The Lemon Pipers, who were bubblegum pop one hit wonders with the absolutely horrible Green Tambourine. Their bassist, Howie Blauvett was a member of The Hassles, which featured a young Billy Joel. He's the guy with the awful mustache and the bandanna Lead singer Myke Scavone is currently a member of the garage rock throwback band, The Doughboys, featuring a drummer by the name of Richard X. Heyman. I don't expect anyone to know who Richard X. Heyman is, but he's one of the best pure pop songwriters out there and I love his work.

As for the song, Black Betty was a folk song possibly going back to the 18th century. It's often credited to folk/blues musician Leadbelly, but there are recordings of it from before his own. As with many folk songs, it's near impossible to find exactly when it came from. The earliest known recording was made by musicologists John and Alan Lomax in 1933, performed by a group of convicts on a Texas state prison farm. Leadbelly's version comes from about six years later.

Alright, the boring history stuff is over. Here's the video.

Just for shits and giggles, try and guess what state Ram Jam is from.

If you guessed New York, you're right. But you didn't unless you already knew that. Or maybe you live in rural central New York. I do, and because of that, it doesn't surprise me that these guys are New Yorkers. But it probably surprises people that they aren't from the deep south or the rural mid-west. Redneckery is not exclusive to those regions.

Things to look out for - Awful aviator sunglasses on the guitarist, the guy in the scarves dancing around like an idiot (that's their lead singer - he isn't singing lead here, so he's just flailing around like he's on drugs. Because he probably is. And by probably, I mean definitely.) Gay biker bassist. Random women in the background dancing around motor cycles. Pointless fading editing.

There's a reason that this is an internet legend. Because it deserves to be.

As a side note that nobody cares about, I'm the 15,000,700th visitor to the video.

Entry #5 - Born to Rock by Buck Dharma

There is nothing I can say about this video that will come close to doing it justice, so I’ll just post the video here and let you just absorb it without my commentary about how insane it is. It’s the kind of insanity that can only come out of an eighties music video. I’m not sure if I’d call it a good video or not. It’s certainly memorable and charming, but that doesn’t necessarily equal good.

The artist here is Buck Dharma, the lead guitarist and occasional vocalist for the Blue Oyster Cult. The guy’s an incredible guitarist, and a versatile one as well. The Blue Oyster Cult was never a band that could be pigeon holed. They were a hard rock group, but they branched out into several different genres and were always interesting to listen to because they were never straight forward with their music – and their lyrics were pretty awesome as well. They had songs about Godzilla decimating Tokyo, Joan Crawford rising from the grave, and one song, The Red & The Black, was about Royal Canadian Mounted Police (I think) and had lyrics that were literally gibberish at one point. I absolutely love Blue Oyster Cult.

This song has elements of that charm in it. It’s not good by any means, but it’s funny, and it isn’t taking itself seriously. There’s some very good guitar work here too, which is predictable considering that it’s Buck Dharma playing.

The song also has one genuinely great lyric in it – “The consumation of a lifelong dream, a Thunderbird and a beauty queen.” That just puts a smile on my face whenever I hear it.

Entry #4 - He Can't Love You by the Michael Stanley Band

Here's another cheesy eighties video. Probably the least cheesy one so far, but fun nonetheless.

It's He Can't Love You by the Michael Stanley Band was a regional success in the midwest during the seventies and eighties. Nobody outside of that area really cared about them except for a few minor singles they had, the biggest of the bunch being this one, which reached #33 on the Billboard Charts in 1981. . I don't know why - they were quite good and they recorded Lover, a song that should be considered an all time classic, if only for the line "Thank God for the man who put the white lines on the highway." That's one of my favorite lyrics in any song ever. It's just fantastic.

Anyway, the video...

So we got blue collar guys working in some kind of warehouse, eighties hair and a guy getting hospitalized because his dumb ass wasn't paying attention to the forklift coming up behind him with big boxes because he was busy dreaming about his band leader making out with a sexy nurse. That's how workplace accidents happen. Then his bandmates come in and revive him with guitar and saxophone. Then a bunch of nurses are dancing and... It's just a music video. It doesn't have to make sense.



For the record, the singer on this song isn't Michael Stanley, it's the band's keyboardist, Kevin Raleigh. For the record, Michael Stanley is the leather jacket wearing guitarist with the beard.

Things to look out for - the guy wailing on the saxophone like it owes him money. That guy's not playing that saxophone. The sax on this song is played by the late great Clarence Clemmons of Bruce Springsteen's E-Street Band.

Entry #3 - Life at the Outpost by The Skatt Brothers

Just watch this video. Do it before you read anything further. Trust me, there's no way I can explain this adequitely unless you've already seen it.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

I don't think I need to hesitate before I say that the video for Life at the Outpost is one of the gayest things I've ever seen in my life. And it is GLORIOUS.


There's nothing I can really say about that, to be honest. It's like the last entry (Anger by Thor) in that way. It speaks for itself. So, I might as well go into what little I know about this band, The Skatt Brothers. Yes, that's really the name of the band.


Some people might remember them from an article on Cracked.com, 5 Great Songs to Immediately Ruin a Party. That's where I first saw it. But the article didn't go into the band aside from the fact that none of the oiled up, musclebound, mustached cowboys in the video were members of The Skatt Brothers, but rather models hired for the video.

There are two members of the band that I actually know anything about. One is Craig Krampf, a prominent session drummer from the seventies and eighties. I'm not sure if he was in the band at that point, though. The other is the band's keyboardist and apparent leader, Sean Delaney, who was an important behind the scenes player during the early days of Kiss as their choreographer, teaching them how to move around on stage in their costumes. He was also apparently romantically involved with the band's manager, Bill Aucoin for about a decade.

As a closing note, what was up with the woman in the video? She seemed pretty out of place there, right?

Entry #2 - Anger by Thor

You are not prepared for the mighty Thor. Nothing can prepare you for the mighty Thor. You just kind of have to take it all in. The awful lyrics, the awful vocals, the generic metal, the horrible costumes, the stupid video... It all comes together to create something that is simply too amazing to put into words.




I hope you enjoy this film adaptation of Golden Axe for the Sega Genesis.

This guy has a small and dedicated cult following, and it's easy to see why. He's a practitioner of the style of heavy metal that I like to call "D&D Bullshit Metal." I enjoy many performers of this kind of metal (Okay, not many - just Ronnie James Dio), because most of it feels like a it has to be a joke, but to assume that it is would be giving guys like Thor far too much credit.

But whether or not he knew how bad this is is beside the point. The point is that it is bad. Really bad. Awesomely bad. And the best part is that he's still doing this. Here's a clip of him in Helsinki in 2011.

You gotta give the guy one thing - he's going for it. He's putting on a show and people are enjoying seeing it. I love this guy.


Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans might recognize Thor as one of the stars of Zombie Nightmare.

Entry #1 - Hanging on a Heart Attack by Device

The purpose of this blog (at this point anyway) is to showcase all the weird, wonderful and sometimes not so wonderful music I've stumbled across. Sometimes it will be because of the song itself, but in some cases, it will be because of the music video, or some history surrounding the song.

Today's entry, the first entry of this blog, is from a music video that left my jaw on the floor and my brain leaking out of my ears.

This is the most insane music video I've ever seen. And not because of any weird David Lynch style imagery, or because the video doesn't fit the song. It's honestly not that out of the ordinary for the eighties. But it just as something indescribable about it. Something that mystifies me.

But before the video itself, I'd like to talk about the band that made the song - Device. A one album wonder based around songwriter/keyboardist Holly Knight, one of the most prolific songwriters in rock during the mid eighties. Her credits include Love is a Battlefield (Pat Benatar), The Warrior (Scandal), Better be Good to Me (Tina Turner) and Rag Doll (Aerosmith). This is her attempt at success as a recording artist. The album flopped hard.

Things to keep a look out for in this video - Mullets, stupid outfits and insanity.



Seriously, what the hell was up with that? That video looks like what would happen if someone dropped a crapload of peyote and watched a shitty Blade Runner knock off before deciding to make a music video. It's fantastic.

It's also extremely eighties. The mullets - Oh god, the mullets. The abandoned warehouse was probably used in at least a dozen other eighties videos. I half expected to see Lita Ford humping an ice block.

The smoke machines, the lights, the random electronics, the guy tossing papers off of his desk in slow motion, Baron Samedi from Live and Let Die if he were a mime... Holly Knight is wearing an outfit that Darryl Hannah's character in Blade Runner would say was over the top.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but this video breaks my brain every time I see it.

As for my honest opinion about the song - I really like it. It's generic eighties synth rock, but there's a charm to it. Besides, it's Holly Knight, and if anyone knew how to write generic eighties synth rock, it's her. That's not a backhanded remark either. I genuinely love her work as a songwriter.

I can understand why someone wouldn't, though.